Last week I was crazy sick, but it gave me the chance to guiltlessly watch a ton of movies which I found somewhat inspiring in a few ways. Howl was pretty great. Some of the things I’m writing for Delicate Armor are graphically sexual, so it was cool to see that I am not alone in feeling guided to write about these things. Thanks Alan Ginsberg!
This video from Laurie Anderson grabbed me:
I just got a copy of the George (not Michael) Trow book she mentions in it, I think it’s going to help give a more universal vision to the ideas I’m writing about right now. I have all of these personal experiences to illustrate this idea that I am getting at (which I still can’t put simply into words) but this book feels like an extension of it. I’ll read it tonight.
She talks about the idea of individuals having lost their ability to be themselves because this middle ground– the space that once existed between an individual and mass media– has fallen away. This is really close to what I am writing about in terms of my own experience, but reading this book will give me a deeper experience of this idea. SO hard to put any of these thoughts into words, which is, I guess, why I am feeling drawn to illustrate them with stories and music.
All of that said, I am feeling super fearful and discouraged about my writing in this moment. I can’t seem to move forward and I can see in my behavior that I am finding any excuse to avoid writing, which puts me in a state of panic about not getting this stuff written in time so then my inner critics stop buy to ask me who the fuck I think I am to try to put together something like this anyway. They are assholes like that. I’m going to up the meditation and the inquiring of lady voices and stay open to receiving what is next to write down, but…ooooh lawdy! I’m afeared today.